Thursday, June 04, 2009

Two Posts in One Day - It MUST Be BAD

I couldn't get up this morning. I would open my eyes and they would close again, of their own accord. Thankfully, I wasn't driving heavy machinery at the time.
Anyway, I curled up with my baby fuzzable cat and fell asleep. Again. This time I dreamed quite vividly.
Some of it was work related. One of the women I work with was heading up a baseball team, which she really could do given her personality, and the place where I worked looked like the high school I attended for all of 6 months in 12th grade. High stone building with high spires on top, huge almost-floor to ceiling windows. This was where my father taught for over 30 years. And where, during that short 6 months, I saw him in the hallway on occasion in his suit and tie, doing hall duty between classes. Just writing that makes me tear up.
If only our family hadn't been so undemonstrative, my parents so selfish and self-absorbed. If only we could have expressed our love for each other, been a loving family, a nurturing family. If only I had been smarter - not IQ smart, but emotionally smart. If I could have been a better student way back then, someone who saw a future for herself. I never saw a future for myself.
I always wondered what the HELL I was going to do with my life, and so, never having figured it out, I've ricocheted through life, bouncing off my first husband, an alcoholic, with whom I had a child (who is even more screwed up than I was emotionally, thanks to HER lovely parents), and then bouncing with my second husband.
Anyway, back to my dream.
So my workplace looked like my high school. My work place is a school, so that is a likely mental comparison. I also work in the IT department at my job, so in my dream, I was called to a science room to diagnose some lab equipment that wasn't working. IT means computers, but, in real life, we get calls for fax machines and other electronics, as if by being in IT we automatically know how to fix everything else electronic, too. In my dream I looked at the equipment, which I remember.
It was a small device that had a tiny cup for solution and above the cup was a handle with a thin, 1/2" long probe hanging from it. You would lower the probe into the solution and it would measure the chemical components of the fluid. The problem was that the head wouldn't lower into the solution, so I was trying to fix that, when the device became a kitten.
Yup - dreams are weird. The kitten was kept in the science lab because it performed a function there, but I was concerned because it was lonely and lived in a cubicle at night, and it didn't appear to have much food or water.
At first, the kitten was almost see through - literally transparent, but as I petted it and held it, it gained color, until it became much darker.
I found some food and began to put food down for it, holding it the whole time to make up for the hours it would spend alone. I put water in it's cubicle, and whereas before, it never cared about getting out, now the men who were trying to put it away for the night couldn't get it to stop scooting out the door.
I felt so sorry for it - I wanted to take it home and even offered to do so.
While I was holding the kitten and caring for it, my dad was suddenly there. And he was young. As he sat at the long table, he draped himself over it a little, leaning forward on his elbows, and told me he was bad when he was a child - he had tried to ride his pet cat and it spit out a furball because of it. I tried to tell him that perhaps he had actually helped it get rid of the hairball, but I knew what he meant. He was watching me care for the science room kitten, and he realized he hadn't been as kind to animals as I was.
My father had anger issues. He had no qualms about smacking his three daughters around - hard - when he lost his temper. He did this when we were small as well as grown teens. I remember once he was banging my head against the refrigerator. Unfortunately, that did not improve my thinking - I wish it had. But perhaps I'm the kitten in the dream and my father confessing his thoughtless cruelty to his pet cat was him acknowledging his abuse of his daughters?
A few years ago, he DID apologize to me for hitting me so hard when I was small. He remembered something I did not. That he had hit me so hard once I wet my pants. I don't remember that, which I guess is good. I was floored that he apologized - and it made me very happy at the time. Of course, I immediately made light of his treatment of me - always trying to make people feel better even if just acknowledging his apology would have been best for him. Misguided people pleaser.
Next in the dream, we're walking, holding hands no less - he is much taller than I, as if I'm a child, although in the dream I am an adult and so is he - across campus and he's showing me where he used to have his Driver's Ed classroom, which all these years later, is still an automotive classroom, but for students to learn how to fix cars, not drive them.
While we're walking, he says he really has to learn to make salad, since he knows it's better for him and he knows I like salad.
It seems he is trying to get close to me, to know ME and who I am, noticing my personality and making indentations in his own so that we fit. It's called relationship, and it's something I'm not sure we ever really had.
I have to say that there is far far more unsaid than has ever been said between my father and myself. In my adult life, it's been words that danced around heavy subjects, but our eyes said more - I know his did. I see him now, at 90, unable to move around much, sitting in his chair half-blind, and he's watching me, and I watch the emotions wave across his face....and I know he's remembering. I can see it. He's remembering being young, being healthy - and I think he's remembering me, seeing me differently. Perhaps he's remembering the times we fought. We fought horribly when I was a teenager, and he usually ended by hitting me or slapping me.
Perhaps I'm just kidding myself, but I think he's realizing just a little bit who I am, and he likes it. He likes me. If only this could have happened many many years ago. If only I had been a more responsible teen so that he didn't feel like he had to yell all the time, get angry and frustrated with me.
It's so painful now to visit my parents. My mother is mostly healthy and takes 100% care of my father, but she is 80 and she is tired. He is incontinent and has now taken to falling occasionally in spite of his walker. My mother has called the Dr. to arrange for more therapy for his legs, to keep him from atrophying completely.
It's a total daily fight against the ravages of age, while waiting for the inevitable - and that is so depressing.
I believe in heaven - I know I'm going there. I'm a Christian and I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior - so heaven sounds wonderful. In fact, I can't wait to get there. And if my father had faith, or more faith, perhaps it would be a comfort for him. I won't say that it would be a comfort, because I don't know what it's like to be in his position, but I think it would make his disabilities a little easier to bear.
I'm 53, looking ahead to what he is going through - and he took care of himself physically most of his life, which I don't. He and my mother were always physically active and careful of what they ate. He was very proud of his youthful looks until the past 5 years when Type II diabetes defeated him, gave him neuropathy and robbed him of most of his sight through macular degeneration. His own father lived to age 93, I think - and I don't think he had the health issues his son has before he passed, but I don't know for sure. I'm convinced it's the "high fructose corn syrup" and all the other crap that's in our food since the 1950's that's done the deed. My grandfather didn't have years of that crap building up in his system before he got old, so even though he didn't exercise at all and was a couch potato, I think he had quality of life longer than my father has.
So......that's my dream. That's my daily sadness - dreading the day when I get the phone call saying my father is either ill or dead. Dreading even worse a call saying my mother is unable to care for my father anymore - and he has to go into a home. Dreading this thing called life in this present age.
This life has such capacity for pain and anguish, and in bad times, the pleasant and happy times grow less and less. Old age looms ahead in a world where old people are not only not popular, they are deemed not worth giving medical care to if it costs too much.
No wonder I drink too much wine. I feel nice when I drink wine.

My Depressed Blog

This is my depressed blog. My sister told me that she knows when there is a post on here, I am upset. By golly, she's correct. I have to vent somewhere, and this is my unknown blog. My other blog has readers that would quickly stab themselves if they read this one, so I keep the angst here.
Money worries:
We are upside down on our mortgage by about $50,000. During the whoopla when houses were worth ridiculous amounts, ours was worth about $120,000. more than we owed on it, so we decided to borrrow $40,000. against that, thinking we were being conservative. We borrowed this money to pay down credit card debt.
For about 2 months, we stayed out of credit card debt. Yes, our mortgage went up, but we figured it was no problem. Times were good.
Then dental issues came up, we needed a new refrigerator, a new washer and dryer, the cats got sick......and the credit card spending went back up again. Then Christmas came and we said, "what the heck" and we wanted "stuff", so we said, "what the heck" and used the card(s).
We were irresponsible. I'm not defending myself in any way. If I could crawl out of myself and get a big stick and come back and beat myself with it, I would.
We. Were. Stupid.
Then I found out about the mortgage. I didn't do any research or get involved in the choice of mortgage. My husband did all the prep work. I don't know what I was thinking, since he is not a financial genius. He got us an adjustable mortgage. That will go up for the first time in June 2011, which is rapidly approaching.
That was a kick in the gut. I've never had an adjustable mortgage before. I knew when I was divorced from my first husband that NO ONE with a brain gets an adjustable mortgage - EVER.
Then our house value went down, down, down, below what we owe by about $50,000.
Then our credit cards raised the interest rate on our accounts to the max rate - something like 20-29% on most of them.
Then people at my government job started losing hours and getting cut. Not me yet, but if things don't get better economically, which I don't think they will, I could get cut too - even lose my job altogether.
My husband still has his job, too - so we're thankful for that.
We can still pay our bills. For now. But the Sword of Damocles is over our heads, and all it takes is one big hit - and we're down for the count.
At ages 56 and 53 we won't be whipping up a new life anytime soon either, or new jobs. I'm not saying we couldn't find jobs - but with the economy the way it is, I bet it wouldn't be very easy to find new jobs.
Our house needs repairs - nothing serious, yet, like the roof. But we literally live from paycheck to paycheck.
Yes, we've saved a small amount of money - and we're trying to hold onto that in case we need it, but it is only $5300.00, with another $3300. in a CD at a bank.
My husband's retirement went down so far the company had to hire retirement account-sniffing beagles to find it again.
Social Security is going broke - and Obamanomics will cause the speed with which it dies accelerated.
Now, I'm a Christian, and I have been taught that the Lord takes care of His children. I'm also a studier of history and I know that Christians have suffered terribly as martyrs for their faith. So the Lord does take care of His children in this life, but He doesn't spare them when they are stuck in the middle of a war or a country that is disintegrating. I've read enough first person accounts of Christian suffering from WWII alone to show me that when the going gets tough, Christians are often in the lead. Since this is Satan's planet, it is often the evil and the wicked that are spared, at least in this life.
So while my faith is very strong, and I realize that no matter what, "though He slay me, yet I will trust Him," I'm not feeling very protected in a human way.
God does not save us from the consequences of our stupidity.
So, I humble myself to His sovereignty. My husband and I have finally stopped saying, "what the heck" and we do NOT use credit cards.
If our teeth fall out and our cars break down, oh well. We'll be toothless bus riders.
I know I'm concentrating on the negative. I'm also looking ahead and seeing disaster ahead, and that may not necessarily be so, and if it is coming, why dread it now before it even gets here?
Perhaps that is human nature, I don't know. But I'm full of dread and my husband? He's so stressed and unhappy - even more than usual (he's not known as Mr. Happy in this life) - that he makes it worse. The Happy Couple. Oh yeah.
I'm at the point where I'm fantasizing about getting in a car, on a train - whatever (not a plane, however) - and to just keep going until I can't go anymore, and then.....well, that's not realistic.
Who's that crazy woman that tried that a couple of years ago when she couldn't face getting married (who can blame her??) - the one that then, once she got "away" and realized she had no way of living, lied about her disappearance and said she was kidnapped? And her fiance? The news doesn't follow up on these cases, although it would be fascinating if they did - I read that shortly afterwards, he took off. She was too looney for him - and who could blame him either?
So the fantasy won't become reality.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


No matter what as ass I am, nor how stupid, Lord, never let me go; never give up on me; help me even when I don't deserve it or understand and appreciate it; please keep me. Just keep me - from hurting others, from being a burden, from stepping on my own feet. Please love me even though I am eminently unlovable. As God, have pity on me, an idiot.

No Title

Am I really a person who doesn't get over anything? I thought I put all my failures behind me years ago - as they occurred. And the strange thing - I dream about my ex-family and husband all the time. Sometimes my present husband is saving me from them and all the pain they represent.

I just reread the post from May about my ex-family - where did that life go? How could I have chosen that life? Why did I marry my first husband? Why didn't I ever believe in myself?

Why aren't I loving? Why did I fail my daughter so? Why do I fail every important person in my life? Why do I fail myself?

What is the purpose of my existence? I certainly don't bless anyone, nor am I a witness any longer. I'm just inhabiting days like a stranger, and waiting for them to end. The past looks like heaven to me, when I was young and strong enough for all the nonsense that is the world.

I wait for my parents to pass away, and for time to pass away as it does without my permission. Time doesn't wait for me to figure things out or get the courage to continue. It just goes inexorably on, taking me with it, inadequate to the job.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Another Great One Passes Over

Someone I have greatly admired for years is Ruth Bell Graham. I love Billy Graham, but I recognize in Ruth someone, I think, with more depth and more accurate Biblical knowledge. Also someone who was a very Biblical wife and mother in her support for her husband.

She passed over to heaven today at 5:05 PM while I was napping after work. I wonder if she, as she was leaving earth, floated above the town called Tsingkiangpu in the old days, Huaiyin now, in China where she was born and grew up. I wonder if she stopped to travel up the old Grand Canal. Did she hover above the Montreat house where she has spent so many years, in the mountains she grew to love?

So many are over on the "other side" now that I have admired. June Carter and Johnny Cash. Zola Levitt. And now - Ruth Bell Graham. I bet her mother and father were very glad to see her. And, just like she did on earth in their home in North Carolina, she will prepare for Billy's home-coming, to make sure he is comfortable and has a familiar and loved face to greet him.

Ruth was the serious, learned, Biblical side of the couple, while Billy was the rambunctious, emotionally religious, powerful preacher side. Without her tempering, he might have become more of a caricature of a preacher, more of a Billy Sunday, and less of a real, grounded person with the message of salvation. She kept him from being tacky, TV preacher material....she kept him on task and faithful to the Word.

It seems that Franklin has a touch of his father's need to be tempered, but no Ruth to temper him. He also has inherited Ruth's stubbornness and strength, which, in the following case, doesn't seem to be good.

Franklin has started the Billy Graham Library which, as you can read, has some tacky elements like a talking cow. He has insisted, evidently against the wishes of Ruth herself, Ned his brother and Patricia Cornwell, the writer who has immortalized Ruth in her biography, "Ruth, A Portait - The Story of Ruth Bell Graham" that Ruth be buried next to Billy at the library.

In this article it is evidently Ruth's wish, as well as her son Ned's, that she be buried at the Cove, a religious retreat in the NC mountains that Ruth designed and is much more tasteful. According to the Washington Post article linked above, Ruth designed the memorial gardens at the Cove to be her and Billy's resting place.

I have some thoughts on this problem. It seems, according to the pronouncements made today by the family, that Ruth and Billy will, indeed, be buried at the Billy Graham Library, against Ruth's wishes.

Ruth Graham had a great sense of humor, and she was the force that tempered the Southern Fire and Brimstone Preacher in her husband. When the Resurrection of the dead comes and Ruth finds that she has been buried for however many years it will be until that day, next to a barn with a talking cow, she'll look over at Billy and just laugh out loud. It won't matter then whether it was a good decision or not - it will just be plain old flat out funny.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

A Voice From the Past

Hello little computer diary. Something strange happened a bit ago. I was in bed, ready to read until I fell asleep and my husband played the messages on the answering machine. One of them was from my ex-husband's little sister. I've been divorced from my first husband since 1993 - 14 years - as long as I was married to him. Numbers. 14 years married, 14 years divorced, 4 years dating.....his little sister was a year old when I met him. He was 19. I was 18. She was a surprise in spite of birth control. His mother was 39 at her birth. All the years I knew them, she was growing up. I always loved his mother - loved and kept a little apart from. She loved me, but her first loyalty was to her son, and I wasn't the best wife to him in her opinion. And she resented my privileged upbringing and couldn't identify with my non-Hispanicness and my non-cityness. I was a hick from the country, but I intimidated them. There were racial and class barriers between us, but I was naive and vulnerable and young. And I expected nothing less than love. Hearing that voice on the machine made me cry - it was so unexpected. I heard her voice, realized who it was - and memories came pouring in......I got a silly grin and told my husband who had asked, "who the heck is that?" "She's one of your graduates (she graduated from the school he works at)" I responded, all proud of her......and it all flooded in. And I found myself crying - and surprised at my memories, emotions and tears.

They were fascinating to me. My ex-mother-in-law's parents lived in the city when I first met her son. They had an apartment on one floor in a three floor building and their other daughters had apartments on other floors and next door. Being with his family was like being in a foreign country......and I was hooked.

The whole Hispanic thing was so different to me. How the women were like noisy flowers always dancing around the men - and how the men seemed so unworthy of all the attention. My ex's father was a total enigma. He never spoke or made eye contact. He was like a super Marine in attitude all the time. Even his speech was rough and staccato, like a machine gun. His English was so accented I couldn't understand him anyway. Later, after I was married, I had to travel from New York to Florida alone with this man, him driving one vehicle and me the other - and we bonded a bit - at least as much as could be with someone who rarely speaks. He approved of me because I was light skinned and a "step up" for his son. Forget about whether his son and I were suited to each other. My ex's father was very good looking - better looking than his sons by far.....but who could ever get close to a statue that doesn't speak or look at anyone - and I wondered how the heck my mother-in-law could be with him in any way. They ended up divorcing way before her son and I did. Olana had ideas about marriage, especially from her 1950's American teenhood, and, even though she was a dutiful Hispanic wife, she just couldn't be happy with such a cold, rough man.

I used to go to my parent's-in-law's every weekend. I'd drop by and hang out all day. My then-husband worked a million hours a week as a store manager and I spent a LOT of time alone and lonely. As soon as I got there, she always made coffee. We always shared coffee. My little sister-in-law, of course, was there. When she was small, she suffered from asthma. As she grew up, she outgrew that problem.

My ex had two sisters and one brother. He was the oldest, then his first sister and then his brother - and last of all, the baby - the one who left a message on my answering machine the other day, that I heard just a little while ago.

All these years have gone by - and I was so unexpectedly inundated with memories...fond memories....of people who have long ago walked out of my life. And it made me cry. I miss them in a way. I loved them - and still do somehow. And her voice - the little girl I watched grow up, who felt a little like my own child, and who helped out when I had my own child - that voice just undid me. She said things like, "I'm sorry to bother you....I don't want to bother you or Jannie (my daughter)....but my mother just wants to know if she is ok". And I wanted them to pull up outside, I wanted to go back in time and smell coffee brewing, throw open the door. I wanted to see the older daughter and Olana and Lanie, the baby daughter.

How can they have been my family - and then a whole life just ceased, and they no longer existed? I don't know.....but I'm closing my eyes.....and I'm pulling into that decrepit neighborhood and that driveway in front of the house that my ex's lived in.....the vacation bungalow from the 1920's that was not a sufficient house for anyone, but they made do. The big trees out front, no air conditioning, windows open, but neat as a pin inside. All gone now. I don't even know if that little house is still standing - in a way, I hope it's not - it wasn't very nice then, and it sure couldn't have gotten better.

I'm just so caught in these memories. When we first moved to Florida, we lived around the corner from each other. I used to be able to walk to their house. I missed my own parents and family - and they became my family. I was closer to them than to my husband, their son.

I'll surely call them tomorrow, but we'll be shrouded in today and separated by awkwardness and time - and that will break my heart.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

We All Go Down


Look how virile he is, how his voice is deep and strong
Look how he lifts his children up over his head in joy and play
and finds the heaviest chore easy
All you who are young remember that age will come.....
The most handsome amomgst us
The most talented
The most beautiful
Whose mouth is like honey
And whose thoughts like eternity
All Fade like grass

Just a Thought

I was here before you found me.
I existed before then in all of who I am.
I cried and laughed and was beautiful and alive before you were around.
I can do it again by the grace of God.
I don't exist because of you - we share a path, but we can walk it separately.
You don't define me - I've learned who I am a long time ago and that won't change.

There are still things you don't know. There are so many visions that you aren't even a part of - and they are beautiful.

I can live on them again and in them again - they are a part of my sinews and the very basis of are just a part.

Leonard Bernstein

How can I explain the pain I feel when I look at pictures of Leonard Bernstein? I've always had a problem with pictures of people, starting with my parents when I was pretty small. I always see something in them, a spirit perhaps - something in the eyes?

I've downloaded Bernstein's "Make Our Garden Grow" from his's so beautiful, it gives me goosebumps - both the music and the lyrics..."we're neither pure nor wise nor good...." "before we die, make some sense of this life".......

The music is so breathtaking, it literally makes me tear up. Then there's his "West Side Story" and his Mass with it's "Simple Song".....

I think of this Jewish son of Jewish refugees from Russia. His father was a businessman who liked that his son had a love of music - but not as a calling, a career. Leonard had a different plan and made it happen.

He was physically beautiful, he had a flare for drama - if you look at his photographs, he just has a way of holding that cigarette, holding that head of thick hair, looking off into the distance with that leonine face......

As a believer, I feel a special burden for this son of Abraham.....the picture of him against the Wailing Wall with his yarmulke on chokes me up.

I imagine him trying to make sense of the Holocaust - and trying to believe in a God that could allow that to happen - and I wonder how many other Bernstein-like artists got swallowed up by the evil of Hitler.

I read about his bisexuality/homosexuality and his depression. He was devoted to his wife and stayed by her side as she died of cancer. He adored his children - and.....he lived his life.

I pray to God that he found solace under the wings of the almighty somehow. He left us a great legacy of beauty and grace here on earth.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Does Anyone REALLY READ This Crap?

Here is the complete text of the speech Ahmadinejad made to the UN on September 17. Basically, the speech starts as an Islaamic Sunday school class.....let us observe:
(My interjections are in Bold, as well as a few portions of his speech that I wish to comment on.)

"In the Name of the God of Mercy, Compassion, Peace, Freedom and Justice
(insert the Islaamic god here - Allah - not known for mercy, compassion, peace, freedom OR justice.....that is.....unless you, too are Muslim)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, "Today we have gathered here to exchange views about the world, its future and our common responsibilities towards it. It is evident that the future of the world is intertwined with its current state and the prevailing trends, which exhibit signs of hope and despair.
(very general statement - like, no duh)
"On the one hand certain hopes and opportunities exist, and this August Assembly is convened on such hopes. Today human thought reflects outstanding commonalities which provide appropriate grounds to build upon.
(what planet is HE on? Human beings are tearing each other limb from limb every day, everywhere, but we sure do share common thought.....just like we share common thought with this idiot)

With the passing of the era of agnostic philosophies, today humanity is once again joined in celebrating monotheism and belief in the Creator as the originator of existence. This is the common thread which binds us all.
(Once again, what planet is HE on? I don't know anyone, outside of a few fellow believers I communicate with online and a few I work with, that believes in Creation. Western civilization is currently not celebrating monotheism - more like no-theism, actually - and it certainly doesn't believe, in general, in the Creator as the originator of existence.)

"Faith will prove to be the solution to many of today's problems. The Truth will shine the light of faith and ethics on the life of human beings and prevent them from aggression, coercion and injustice and will guide them towards care and compassion for fellow beings.
(OK - here we go. What this lunatic says is true, although he doesn't mean it this way at all. Christ, during the Millenium, will rule with justice for all the human race - He, Christ the Messiah, is the Truth. On the face of it, this statement seems innocuous enough. The Truth - which to most of Western civilization, is an amorphous glow of some faint echo of Judeo-Christian ethic, wrapped in modern "no-God" clothes - is a generic phrase. One must always consider what the SPEAKER means. Ahmadinejad means unequivocally the "truth" of Islaam. Once everyone is Islamic, no problemo, ok? We won't have to kill you because you will be one of us, living in that fantastic and comfortable 7th century style.)

"Another hope is the common global appreciation of the sources of knowledge. Although reason, experience and science are among valuable sources of knowledge, the darkness of the Middle Ages deprived major portions of the Western world of appreciating. This reactionary tendency deprived many of access to various scientific findings and knowledge and led to the exclusion of other sources of knowledge namely God and knowledge based on revelation from the life of human beings in the West; Divine knowledge that was carried and disseminated by such prophets as Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad (peace be upon them).
(OK - let me translate. While the Western world was slogging around in the Dark Ages, the "enlightened" East was experiencing the oh-so-scientific discoveries of Mohammed and his 9 year old bride. He is actually saying that the West fell irrevocably behind in the Middle Ages and that Islaam is what the West missed out on.)

"Today, agnostic thinking is on the decline and presently humanity is equally enamored with religion knowledge and spirituality. This is an auspicious beginning. Divine prophets teach us about proper regard for the exalted state of human beings on earth.
(Once again - what planet is this guy on?)

"The human being is blessed with dignity, most importantly manifested in being the viceroy of the Almighty on earth. The Almighty placed humans on earth to develop it, institutionalize justice, overcome their egoistic tendencies and praise no lord but the Almighty.
(Note that I highlighted the last phrase. "Almighty" = Allah. Once again, if we're ALL Muslim is what Ahmadinejad means.)

"Faith and good deeds can bring deliverance and the good life even in this world. Attaining this depends on human will, that is the will of each and every one of us. We must heed the call of our common primordial nature and achieve the realization of this good life.
(Oh yeah - I can't wait to wear a burqah and let my husband beat me, be unable to go out of my house without a male accompanying me and be barred from education or public life.)

"On the other hand, the prevalence of military domination, increasing poverty, the growing gap between rich and poor countries, violence as a means to solve crises, spread of terrorism, specially state terrorism, existence and proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, the pervasive lack of honesty in interstate relations, and disregard for the equal rights of peoples and nations in international relations constitute some of the challenges and threats.
(You know, he means the US, Israel and Europe, right? Yes, he really does not mean himself and Iran here.)

"Although these challenges are very real, we believe we are not predestined to experience them. Our common will not only can change this course but in fact can lead us to a life filled with hope and prosperity. Divine revelation teaches us that "The Almighty changes the fate of no people unless they themselves show a will for change" (Holy Quran, 13:11).
(Hey - how about those Quran passages? Anyone ever figure out what the Quran really is? It's a hodge-podge of 4th to 6th century Jewish and Christian religious writings that were outside of the accepted beliefs of Jewish and Christian thought of the time. And I mean word for word copies from these original sources. In other words, it's "out there" stuff compiled from the existing religions of the time, sort of like grabbing some writings of some way-out Christian sect of today and mixing it well with New Age writings and making a new religious book and religion out of that. The Quran contains word for word copies of Jewish Talmudic writings. So much for Mohammed's supposed vision of an angel that told him what to write.)

"How can we influence the future of the world? When and how will peace, tranquility and well-being for all come about? These are the fundamental questions before us.

"We believe that a sustainable order, nurturing and flourishing peace and tranquility, can only be realized on the two pillars of justice and spirituality. The more human society departs from justice and spirituality, the greater insecurity it will face, so much so that a relatively small crisis, such as a natural disaster, leads to various abnormalities and inhuman behavior.
(Hey - correct me if I'm wrong, but when there is a natural disaster anywhere in the world, including Iran with it's many terrible earthquakes, the US is the first one there with tons of aid of all kinds - medicine and the doctors to prescribe it, food, supplies - you name it. We - the US - pour it on. That doesn't sound like inhuman behavior to me.)

"Unfortunately, the world is rife with discrimination and poverty. Discrimination produces hatred, war and terrorism. They all share the common root of lack of spirituality coupled with injustice. Justice is about equal rights, the correct distribution of resources in the territories of different states, the equality of all before the law and respect for international agreements.
(Gee - you mean discrimination like hatred of the Jews? Nah - probably not.)

"Justice recognizes the right of every one to tranquility, peace and a dignified life. Justice rejects intimidation and double standards. As the eminent daughter of the Prophet of Islam has said, "justice brings tranquility and harmony to our hearts."

"Today, the world is longing for the establishment of such justice. If humanity heeds the call of its primordial nature with firm resolve, justice will emerge. This is what the Almighty has promised and all people of good will from all religions are waiting for. If the prevailing discourse of global relations becomes one of justice and spirituality, then durable peace will be guaranteed.
(Translation - if everyone becomes Muslim, then "justice" will prevail.)

"Conversely, if international relations are defined without justice and spirituality and void of moral considerations, then the mechanisms for promoting confidence and peace will remain insufficient and ineffective.
(Translation - if everyone doesn't become Muslim, then jihad will prevail.)

"If some, relying on their superior military and economic might, attempt to expand their rights and privileges, they will be performing a great disservice to the cause of peace and in fact will fuel the arms race and spread insecurity, fear and deception. If global trends continue to serve the interests of small influential groups, even the interests of the citizens of powerful countries will be jeopardized, as was seen in the recent crises and the even natural disaster such as the recent tragic hurricane.

"Today, my nation calls on other nations and governments to "move forward to a durable tranquility and peace based on justice and spirituality."
(Everybody become Muslim, or else.)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,
"The Islamic Republic of Iran is born out of a movement, based on the pure primordial nature of a people who rose up to regain their dignity esteem and human rights. The Islamic Revolution toppled a regime, which had been put in place through a coup, and supported by those who claim to be advocates of democracy and human rights, thwarted the aspirations of the nation for development and progress for 25 years through intimidation and torture of the populace and submission and subservience to outsiders.
(Regime = Shah. Advocates of democracy = US/Israel. Outsiders = US/Israel. The whole first sentence = we made everyone become fundamentalist Islaamic in Iran. Anyone of any other religion was immediately in danger for his life and property.)

"The Islamic Republic of Iran is the manifestation of true democracy in the region. The discourse of the Iranian nation is focused on respect for the rights of human beings and a quest for tranquillity, peace, justice and development for all through monotheism.
(OK - they say that evil people always tell you what they really mean, if you listen. Hitler did. He told the world what he expected to accomplish, and the world proceeded to be appalled and shocked at every move, just the same. Here, Ahmadinejad says in the last sentence exactly what he means - the world will achieve justice and peace only when everyone is Islaamic. Monotheism = Islaam.)

"For 8 years, Saddam's regime imposed a massive war of aggression and occupation on my people. It employed the most heinous weapons of mass destruction, including chemical weapons against Iranians and Iraqis alike.
(Too bad they didn't wipe each other out in the process. It would have saved us a lot of trouble.)

Who, in fact, armed Saddam with these weapons? What was the reaction of those who now claim to fight against WMDs regarding the use of chemical weapons back then? The world is witness to the fact that the Islamic Republic of Iran, because of its humanitarian principles, even during the most testing of times and when it was sustaining the highest number of casualties, never allowed itself to use such weapons.

"Thousands of nuclear warheads that are stockpiled in various locations coupled with programs to further develop these inhuman weapons have created a new atmosphere of repression and the rule of the machines of war, threatening the international community and even the citizens of the countries that possess them.

"Ironically, those who have actually used nuclear weapons, continue to produce, stockpile and extensively test such weapons, have used depleted uranium bombs and bullets against tens and perhaps hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, Kuwaitis, and even their own soldiers and those of their allies, afflicting them with incurable diseases, blatantly violate their obligations under the NPT, have refrained from signing the CTBT and have armed the Zionist occupation regime with WMDs, are not only refusing to remedy their past deeds, but in clear breech of the NPT, are trying to prevent other countries from acquiring the technology to produce peaceful nuclear energy.
(Since Ahmadinejad is talking about the US, when exactly did we use atomic weapons in Iraq and Kuwait? Again, what planet is he on? Note Israel = Zionist occupation forces.)

"All these problems emanate from the fact that justice and spirituality are missing in the way powerful governments conduct their affairs with other nations.

"After September 11, a particular radical group was accused of terrorist activities -- although it was never explained how such huge intelligence gathering and security organizations failed to prevent such an extensive and well planned operation.
(Radical group = Al Qaeda. Huge intelligence gathering....failed to prevent = thanks, President Bubba)

"Why powers that, not so long ago, were supporting the activities of such groups in Afghanistan and thus portraying themselves as supporters of human rights and the Afghan people have over night turned into their most fierce critic?
(Could be because those we supported against Russia then turned and became our enemies.)

"Are we to believe that their benefactors, i.e. the very same hegemonic powers have lost control? "If the answer is yes, would it not be better for those powers to adopt an honest and transparent approach to the international community, provide precise information about the main elements and their arms and financial support system, and accept responsibility for their inhuman actions against nations and countries, and thereby assist peoples and nations to correctly, wisely and sincerely fight the roots of terrorism.
(Say what? Give you precise information about what? And there's that word, "inhuman" again. I guess supporting the world financially is inhuman, giving aid wherever it is needed at a moment's notice is inhuman. If Admadinejad defined what he means by "human", I think it would be pretty scary, involving mullahs, burqas, men with goats, etc.)

"We must endeavor to achieve sustainable tranquility and peace based on justice and spirituality.
(Spirituality = Islaam and don't forget it)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,
"Terrorism and WMDs are two major threats before the international community. The Islamic Republic of Iran, as one of the main victims of terrorism and chemical weapons, fully appreciates the difficulties that lie ahead in the road to combat these menaces.

"Today, the most serious challenge is that the culprits are arrogating to themselves the role of the prosecutor. Even more dangerous is that certain parties relying on their power and wealth try to impose a climate of intimidation and injustice over the world make bullying, while through their huge media resources portray themselves as defenders of freedom, democracy and human rights.
(I love the way evil people turn the truth right on it's head. The good becomes the bad, and the bad becomes the good, willy nilly.)

"People around the world are fully aware of what is happening in the occupied Palestine. Women and children are being murdered and adolescents taken prisoner. Houses are being demolished and farms burnt down. Yet, when the people of Palestine resist these conditions, they are accused of terrorism. At the same time, the occupier, which does not abide by any principles and terror is part of its pronounced and routine policy enjoys the support of the previously mentioned governments. Let me be blunter. State terrorism is being supported by those who claim to fight terrorism.
(Sure - Israel is always blowing people up, always strapping bombs on their children and parading them in the streets.....uh, - that would be the so-called "Palestinians", which really aren't Palestinians, since there is no such thing.)

"How can one talk about human rights and at the same time blatantly deny many the inalienable right to have access to science and technology with applications in medicine, industry and energy and through force and intimidation hinder their progress and development? "Can nations be deprived of scientific and technological progress through the threat of use of force and based on mere allegations of possibility of military diversion?
(Right here Ahmadinejad is saying that he wants nuclear capability for medical, (what - to give everyone radiation poisoning that isn't Muslim?) industrial and energy purposes. Yeah, right.)

We believe that all countries and nations are entitled to technological and scientific advancement in all fields, particularly the peaceful technology to produce nuclear fuel. Such access cannot be restricted to a few, depriving most nations and by establishing economic monopolies, use them as an instrument to expand their domination.
(Translation - "I just wanna have nuclear capability for energy needs.....oh and to blow up the world, especially Israel, and make everybody Muslim")

"We have gathered here to defend human rights in accordance with Charter of UN and prevent certain powers from claiming that "some countries have more rights "or that" some countries do not have the right to enjoy their legitimate rights". "We must not, at the beginning of the 21st century, revert to the logic of the dark ages and once again try to deny societies access to scientific and technological advances.
(Now wait a minute. Who came up with this scientific and technological advance? Not Iran. Iran didn't win WWII for the world. So why do they have a "right" to nuclear technology???)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,
"The UN must be the symbol of democracy and the equal rights of nations. If we talk about the equal rights of nations in political forums, we must talk of the same concept in this forum as well.

"Similarly, if we talk about the right of sovereignty, then all nations must be allowed to exercise their rights on an equal footing and in a democratic process.

"The UN can be the standard bearer of democracy in the world, when it, itself, is a manifestation of democratic process. I reiterate that durable tranquility and peace can only be built on justice and spirituality.
(Translation - everyone should have nuclear weapons everywhere, no matter who they are, especially me. And have I mentioned that everyone MUST be Muslim?)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,
"The Islamic Republic of Iran is a symbol of true democracy. All officials including the Leader, President, members of the Islamic Consultative Assembly, city and village councils are elected through the vote of the citizens. The Islamic Republic of Iran has held 27 national elections in 27 years. This showcases a vibrant and dynamic society in which people widely participate in the political life.
(Um....the women don't vote. So much for "vote of the citizens". I guess women aren't citizens, maybe they're more like goats in Iran. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you don't vote for Ahmadinejad, you're dead, right? So, like, how is that vibrant and of the citizens???)

"Because of its key importance and influence in the important and strategic Middle East region, the Islamic Republic of Iran is committed to contribute actively to the promotion of peace and stability in the region.

"Saddam, Taliban regimes were both the products of foreign powers. The people of Afghanistan and Iraq know very well who supported these two regimes.

"Today, to establish peace and security in the region, foreign occupation forces must leave and completely hand over the political and economic sovereignty of these two countries to their peoples.

"The Islamic Republic of Iran will continue to provide full and comprehensive support to the people of Iraq and Afghanistan and their elected governments, and will actively help them in the establishment of order and security. My country will continue and expand its sincere cooperation and interaction with them.
(Iran will support, but the US isn't supposed to? Interesting - nothing like a double standard.)

"In Palestine, a durable peace will be possible through justice, an end to discrimination and the occupation of Palestinian land, the return of all Palestinian refugees, and the establishment of a democratic Palestinian state with Al-Quds Al-Sharif as its capital.
(Translation - no Jews left in Israel. Anybody recognize what city "Al-Quds Al-Sharif" is? I've never heard of it - and yes, I know he means Jerusalem.)

"Mr. President, Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen,
"Today, more than ever, nations need constructive, positive and honest cooperation and interaction in order to enjoy a dignified, tranquil and peaceful life based on justice and spirituality. Let us enter into a collective covenant to realize this legitimate aspiration of our nations.
(There's that "justice and spirituality" again. Just like Hitler, he is telling us what he intends to happen. The whole world will be Muslim, and he will assist that process in any way he can.)

"Here, I would like to briefly talk about the approach and initiative of the Islamic Republic of Iran on the nuclear issue. Nuclear weapons and their proliferation, and attempts to impose an apartheid regime on access to peaceful nuclear energy, are two major threats, challenging international tranquility and peace.

"Keeping in mind that in past years no serious efforts complimented by practical mechanisms -- have been made to move towards full disarmament and more specifically implement the decisions and outcomes of the NPT Review Conferences of 1995 and 2000, I suggest that the General Assembly, as the most inclusive UN organ, mandate an ad-hoc committee to compile and submit a comprehensive report on possible practical mechanisms and strategies for complete disarmament.
("Complete disarmament" - why do we need to disarm if you only want nuclear power for energy? Why does our nuclear capability threaten you?)

"This Committee should also be asked to investigate as to how contrary to the NPT -- material, technology and equipment for nuclear weapons were transferred to the Zionist regime, and to propose practical measures for the establishment of a nuclear-weapons-free zone in the Middle East.
(This is exactly what Joel C. Rosenberg writes in one of his fiction books - that the leader of Iran speaks to the UN and demands that Israel disarm nuclearly (is that a word?)

"Some powerful states practice a discriminatory approach against access of NPT members to material, equipment, and peaceful nuclear technology, and by doing so, intend to impose a nuclear apartheid.

"We are concerned that once certain powerful states completely control nuclear energy resources and technology, they will deny access to and thus deepen the divide between powerful countries and the rest of the international community. When that happens, we will be divided into light and dark countries.
(Interesting choice of words - light and dark, eh?)

"Regrettably, in the past 30 years, no effective measure has been implemented to facilitate the exercise of the legally recognized right of NPT state-parties to have access to and use peaceful nuclear energy in accordance with article IV. Therefore, the General Assembly should ask the IAEA in accordance with article 2 of its Statute to report on violations by specific countries that have hindered the implementation of the above article and also produce practical strategies for its renewed implementation.

"What needs our particular attention is the fact that peaceful use of nuclear energy without possession of nuclear fuel cycle is an empty proposition. Nuclear power plants can indeed lead to total dependence of countries and peoples if they need to rely for their fuel on coercive powers, who do not refrain from any measure in furtherance of their interests.

No popularly elected and responsible government can consider such a situation in the interest of its people. The history of dependence on oil in oil rich countries under domination is an experiment that no independent country is willing to repeat.

"Those hegemonic powers, who consider scientific and technological progress of independent and free nations as a challenge to their monopoly on these important instruments of power and who do not want to see such achievements in other countries, have misrepresented Iran's healthy and fully safeguarded technological endeavors in the nuclear field as pursuit of nuclear weapons. This is nothing but a propaganda ploy.

The Islamic Republic of Iran is presenting in good faith its proposal for constructive interaction and a just dialogue.

"However, if some try to impose their will on the Iranian people through resort to a language of force and threat with Iran, we will reconsider our entire approach to the nuclear issue.

"Allow me, as the elected President of the Iranian people, to outline the other main elements of my country's initiative regarding the nuclear issue:

"1. The Islamic Republic of Iran reiterates its previously and repeatedly declared position that in accordance with our religious principles, pursuit of nuclear weapons is prohibited.
(Say what? Where in the Quran does it say NOT to use weapons against anyone. The Quran is decidedly violent against non-Muslims. Mohammed didn't know about nuclear weapons. Imagine if he did?)

"2. The Islamic Republic of Iran believes that it is necessary to revitalize the NPT and create the above-mentioned ad-hoc committee so that it can combat nuclear weapons and abolish the apartheid in peaceful nuclear technology.

"3. Technically, the fuel cycle of the Islamic Republic of Iran is not different from that of other countries which have peaceful nuclear technology.

"Therefore, as a further confidence building measure and in order to provide the greatest degree of transparency, the Islamic Republic of Iran is prepared to engage in serious partnership with private and public sectors of other countries in the implementation of uranium enrichment program in Iran. This represents the most far reaching step, outside all requirements of the NPT, being proposed by Iran as a further confidence building measure.

"4. In keeping with Iran's inalienable right to have access to a nuclear fuel cycle, continued interaction and technical and legal cooperation with the IAEA will be the centerpiece of our nuclear policy.

"Initiation and continuation of negotiations with other countries will be carried out in the context of Iran's interaction with the Agency.

"With this in mind, I have directed the relevant Iranian officials to compile the legal and technical details of Iran's nuclear approach, based on the following considerations:

"4.1. International precedence tells us that nuclear fuel-delivery contracts are unreliable and no legally binding international document or instrument exists to guarantee the delivery of nuclear fuel.

"On many occasions such bilateral contracts stopped altogether for political reasons. Therefore, the Islamic Republic of Iran, in its pursuit of peaceful nuclear technology, considers it within its legitimate rights to receive objective guarantees for uranium enrichment in the nuclear fuel cycle.

"4.2. In its negotiations with the EU3, Iran has tried in earnest to prove the solid and rightful foundations of its nuclear activity in the context of the NPT, and to establish mutual trust. The selection of our negotiating partners and the continuation of negotiations with the EU3 will be commensurate with the requirements of our cooperation with the Agency regarding non-diversion of the process of uranium enrichment to non-peaceful purposes in the framework of the provisions of the NPT.

In this context, several proposals have been presented which can be considered in the context of negotiations. The Islamic Republic of Iran appreciates the positive contribution of South Africa and H.E. President Mbeki personally in the resolution of the nuclear issue and cognizant of South Africa's active role in the IAEA Board of Governors would welcome its active participation in the negotiations.

"4.3. The discriminatory approaches regarding the NPT that focuses on the obligations of state-parties and disregards their rights under the Treaty should be discontinued.

"As the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, I assure you that my country will use everything in its power to contribute to global tranquility and peace based on the two maxims of spirituality and justice as well as the equal rights of all peoples and nations.
(BINGO!! There it is, folks!! Translation - Iran will use everything in it's power to make sure the whole world is Muslim - it's right there in black and white.)

My country will interact and cooperate constructively with the international community to face the challenges before us.

"Dear Friends and Colleagues,
"From the beginning of time, humanity has longed for the day when justice, peace, equality and compassion envelop the world. All of us can contribute to the establishment of such a world. When that day comes, the ultimate promise of all Divine religions will be fulfilled with the emergence of a perfect human being who is heir to all prophets and pious men. He will lead the world to justice and absolute peace.
(There's that 12th Imam again. If only Admadinejad knew he was speaking the truth - but it isn't the 12th Imam that will bring this justice for humanity. More like the 12th Imam is the Antichrist - and the Lord Jesus Christ is the Messiah who will rule in justice.)

"O mighty Lord, I pray to you to hasten the emergence of your last repository, the promised one, that perfect and pure human being, the one that will fill this world with justice and peace.
(I second that wish, but in my own words - may the Lord Jesus Christ come quickly.....this planet is nuts!!)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

The World Is An Emptier Place

I just finished reading about Rob Smith's death. God, he was such a fighter. How about these immortal words from Grouchy Old Cripple - "He always played above his weight." The commenter who said those words should go on Rob's tombstone was right. He was one well-loved man by everyone who visited his blog. Yes, he was feisty and outspoken - so what? He was honest and you don't find that these days anywhere. He said his daddy was a Tall Dog and he always wanted to be one - I know he was one.

He has been immortalized at Day by Day cartoon, by Chris Muir. He was a Hemingway and he DID have the charm - ask any lady who met him.

What gets me is that I've never met him or spoken to him - yet, when I heard he had passed, I surprised myself by starting to cry. I understood that underneath the crusty exterior was a diamond - I loved to read about his garden and the vegetables he looked forward to eating. He got dive-bombed by mockingbirds out in his garden recently - and he admired the mother mockingbird because she was just trying to protect her babies - that's a man after my own heart. I loved to read his stories about his mother and father, and how he loved his mother. I hated to read about his cut-off relationship with his son - it was too painful.......HOW could his ex-wife deny him his son - a man's son, for God's sake.

I still can't believe I won't be able to read his blog posts's a very sad day.