Wednesday, July 13, 2005


We've got renters next door. Oh joy. Since next door is less than five feet from where I sit, whoever lives there becomes an intimate acquaintance whether I want them to or not.

Last year we had the Boyz 'n th' Hood and their benighted dad screaming and cursing vividly at them in Spanglish 24/7, in between the rap music played as loud as possible and the vibrating stereos in numerous vehicles. Since our bedroom is right next to their driveway, I learned a lot about rap music unwillingly. I'd find myself reciting weird violent lyrics about bitches, booty and "bein' down wid it" in my head in the middle of the day, wondering where they came from until I remembered my neighbors musical taste and how they LOVE to share it. When they moved out, I dared to hope that peace might reign, that civility might win out. Oh foolish me.

This year we have the Totally Deaf family, complete with screaming kids. When the adults attempt to communicate with each other, they too, yell at the top of their lungs......."WHAT'S FOR BREAKFAST??" (and this at 8 AM on a weekend)......"GIT IT YERSELF! I DON'T KNOW!! From somewhere in the bowels of the house a 9 year old boy bellows, "HEY - GET OUTTA THE BATHROOM - I GOTTA GO!!" For some strange reason, everyone moves close to a window or door when they want to "speak" A.K.A. holler.
When these people first moved in, they put a large trampoline about 6" from our wooden privacy fence. When the kids got up on it to bounce, their heads would boing boing boing over our fence-top and they'd point and yell. I swear these kids don't know how to talk in a normal voice. They bounced on that sucker until 11:00 one night, yelling and screaming the whole time.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to go out in my backyard after dark and make some really loud weird noises. Screeches, howls, barks - talk to myself really loud about machetes and brains......stuff like that. Maybe, just maybe, they won't want to be so loud anymore in case they draw the attention of the whack job next door - me.

Back in the hallowed days when I was a child (note - I was NOT a kid) if I yelled in the back yard, my mother would tell me to talk in a civil tone - that I was not in the jungle or God forbid, from New York City (where everyone yelled as my mother rightly believed). I was in bed at 7PM even in the summer before it got dark because my parents believed in routine and also because they wanted a life.

Today my husband and I were in a local mall (he had to drag me kicking and screaming, since the lowest form of humanity regularly frequents malls) and when we entered the cellular store, there were two mothers (I use the term loosely) with about 7 yelling kids of various untamed ages.....running around the customers, sliding into walls and displays. The "mothers" were yelling back at them to stop, and of course, the little darlings were oblivious. Since my husband didn't want to have to restrain me from either tripping them or making maniacal faces at them when no one was looking.....we left and retained our sanity.

My suggestion for a daycare? Lil' Bastards Daycare. Motto - "We Aren't Afraid to Use Duct Tape and/or Velcro".


Post a Comment

<< Home