Wednesday, December 19, 2007


No matter what as ass I am, nor how stupid, Lord, never let me go; never give up on me; help me even when I don't deserve it or understand and appreciate it; please keep me. Just keep me - from hurting others, from being a burden, from stepping on my own feet. Please love me even though I am eminently unlovable. As God, have pity on me, an idiot.

No Title

Am I really a person who doesn't get over anything? I thought I put all my failures behind me years ago - as they occurred. And the strange thing - I dream about my ex-family and husband all the time. Sometimes my present husband is saving me from them and all the pain they represent.

I just reread the post from May about my ex-family - where did that life go? How could I have chosen that life? Why did I marry my first husband? Why didn't I ever believe in myself?

Why aren't I loving? Why did I fail my daughter so? Why do I fail every important person in my life? Why do I fail myself?

What is the purpose of my existence? I certainly don't bless anyone, nor am I a witness any longer. I'm just inhabiting days like a stranger, and waiting for them to end. The past looks like heaven to me, when I was young and strong enough for all the nonsense that is the world.

I wait for my parents to pass away, and for time to pass away as it does without my permission. Time doesn't wait for me to figure things out or get the courage to continue. It just goes inexorably on, taking me with it, inadequate to the job.