Sunday, July 31, 2005

Coldstone? WTF??

The latest yuppie, Hummer/Lexus SUV driving, I've-a-cell-phone-attached-to-my-head, pretentious, ostentatious, affected, artificial, chichi (I like that one), contrived, faux (another good one - and by the way, I'm trying to write sentences like the Apostle Paul), superficial (I LOVE "") enterprise is "Cold Stone Creamery", next to every Starbucks. Coffee and ice cream - a good idea. An excellent idea, but not Cold Stone. Lest we call it ice cream, and be too common, we'll call it a "creamery". Yeah.

My husband and I visited one for the second time today, to give it another try. The first time we went to one, I was sick for the rest of the day afterwards because it was too rich, it was like eating flavored butter - ew times ew.

So we decided to attempt to be open minded today. After all, we DO drink Starbucks coffee all the time, as pretentious , chichi, et al as it is also......

So we went to Starbucks first, got regular coffees and proceeded to Cold Stone's next door. The parking lot was literally stuffed with oversize four-wheel drive, 8MPG vehicles (in a flat pancake state that is completely paved over and never gets below 35 degree F.), so that told us the clientele was as expected. Nauseously, biliously recherche (how's THAT for a word, eh? - see "", 4th definition -

As you walk through the door you know your ice cream (dare I call it that?) is going to be expensive because there are at least 5 teens working there. In this day of absolutely no customer service, that is unheard of. Each one of them, like Pavlov's dogs bellowed out, "Welcome to Cold Stone!!" without even looking up or making eye contact. It was weird because they said it so loud, and not all at once.....I suspected there was a hidden camera with someone in the back pressing an electric prod attached to each employee so that they would suddenly blurt, "WELCOME TO COLD STONE!!" as people entered.

I looked at the offerings. There was a recognizable refregerated case with several containers of different colored ice creams. But there were no chunks, bits, pieces, mooseprints, nuts, berries, sprinkles, rivulets of chocolate or caramel in any of them. Just bland, pastel colored stuff with labels that identified, "black cherry" or "mint". No "Orgasmic Death by Chocolate" or "Caramel Coronary" or other suggestive, mouth-watering names. Not even the old standby, "chocolate chip mint" for heaven's sake.

YOU have to make your own concoctions. And you only get ONE "mix-in" free. The rest are extra. So if you want something approximating "Moose Tracks" it'll cost ya.

There ARE suggested combinations with fancy names, like "Cookie Minster", but the first time we went we tried one of these, and it was so sickeningly sweet, and, like I said before - like flavored butter......

Today I tried to be a little more plain. I just got "black cherry" flavored goo with some chocolate chips thrown in. The girl behind the counter took two spatulas and scooped up some too-soft gooey pink stuff (my black cherry) and laid it on the Sacred Stone. She threw a small amount of chocolate chips in, and proceeded to smush the stuff around, making it even gooier. Almost the consistency of soft ice cream, but with the bland, excessively rich taste of butter, with a hint of some unidentifiable flavor. I'll take their word for it that it's black cherry. It just tasted like sweet, buttery goo with chocolate chips. Ew. Again. Times Ew.

We'll not be going back to Cold Stone, and you know what? I can't WAIT to tell people how I dislike it. To watch their incredulity. In their bovine - or is it sheep-like - desire to follow the crowd. HOW can I not LOVE Cold Stone? Easy.

I'm headed to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard.


Anonymous SCG said...

And two small cones costs us $8.86 cents! Gesh Louise!

5:18 PM  
Blogger erica Lubavitch said...

Sounds like it might be stone cold soon if you get enough traffic.

10:42 PM  

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